Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Reflection on seminary so far, as we welcome new students...

Recently my dear friend Tarah Van De Wiele started a blog, because she's graduated from Seminary of the Southwest and is getting her PhD in Ye Olde England.  She inspired me to try to keep up with my blog this year, so I'm going to try to make weekly writings a spiritual discipline.  Maybe if I link it to my faith I'll stick to it, since my faith means far more to me than the fleeting thoughts that begin with the phrase, "It would be pretty cool if I..."

Right now, the SSW campus is buzzing with new student energy, the general sigh of relief as rising middlers finish their CPE experience, and the seniors like me who are, in a sense, being carried around by the centripetal force of realizing we have one more year before graduation.  It's because of where I sit in this community (as one of the floating via hope of graduation seniors), that I want to make a little blog entry for the people in the junior classes and the middler classes.  I don't have much wisdom, but I do have a few thoughts I've gathered up and tucked away for a few years.

Your first year is disorienting.  I think one of the first things SSW (and I'd imagine any seminary, really) teaches you is to let go.  Seminary begs students to be driven by the shape of the community worship, life, discipline, and education.  Unfortunately, it can leave a new student feeling out of place.  That's why my first suggestion is to let go.  Make yourself to be a sponge, because there is so much around you that is worth the soaking up.  You may not realize it all at once.  Seminary didn't work like that for me.  I kept waiting on "ah-ha" moments, and felt like they didn't happen often enough.  Then, of course, I would be flooded with them and sent running to a therapist.  I didn't know how to live within this sort of community, so I did what I know how to do.  I woke up, I showered, I got dressed, I fixed a cup of coffee, and I went where my schedule said I needed to be.  Remember that there's nothing wrong with letting that be the shape of your life while you adjust.

Your first year can be lonely.  I know this seems like something that specifically applies to me, which it does, but I think it could apply to other students as well.  Naturally, I deal with loneliness as a single young woman in seminary who happens to be an extrovert.  Still, after much reflection on my junior year, I realized where much of my loneliness came from.  My junior year, I didn't have a home church.  The spiritual home I had was the seminary chapel, and while it was a beautiful place to go, it was deep within the heart of my daily struggles, and it didn't feel like it offered a place to get away from the very stresses that I faced in daily campus life.  Unfortunately, I think this is part of seminary formation, so I offer you no quick fixes.  I simply add this as something I realized it.  Though it can seem unsettling, I think this is really important, simply because we will never function within parish life the same way again.  However you existed within your church back home, that is not a role you will fill any more.  You're here, and you're going to be changed, and this is part of it.

Your second year offers hope within that loneliness through field ed.  Your second year, you're able to attend the same church every Sunday, and I've been able to call my field ed community my home.  While I don't exist in the parish like a lot of lay people, and while I have a new heightened sense of keeping boundaries, etc, I still find that my field ed is a place of worship that I'm blessed to visit multiple times a week.  It is different from my participation within SSW chapel, and it's a nice change from my everyday experiences with the same members of SSW.  I have a whole new world of people to show compassion to, and to learn from.

Your community is available to you.  This is, without question, the best news I have to offer.  One of the hugest reminders to me of God's grace, faithfulness, and compassion has been the seminary community.  It's odd how I will realize some place in my life that I need help with, just to find out that someone close to me has a gift that would be perfect for carrying me through a tough time.  It's refreshing how many times I've been able to say "I need a friend" and have multiple responses that not only say "I'm your friend," but that also say "Here, let me take you by the hand and together let's find that joy that you've misplaced."  This is built through classes, our worshipping together, our huddling around the coffee pot to get a warm up, drinks and nachos, community hour every Monday, outings to Zilker Park, trips to visit churches together, etc.  Every day is an opportunity to build the sort of relationship that will carry you to the altar for the bread and the wine when you don't have the strength to walk on your own.

You can do CPE.  I say this, because junior year when I realized that I had to start filling out CPE paperwork, I kept wondering if maybe God was calling me to get an MAR and never step foot in a hospital.  I literally thought that I would fail CPE, and not be ordained.  Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, so you probably don't have such elaborate fears, but still, that fear is real.  I say this as someone who loved their CPE experience, even with all its tragedies and challenges, but who began that journey thinking God was crazy to let me help anyone in such a circumstance.  You can do it.  I've watched all my classmates leave CPE with stories of God's love and compassion to both them and their patients, and I just heard all the stories of the rising middler class showing God's love in equally unique and beautiful ways.  You've got this.

There are certainly more things you should know.  I doubt I've told you anything new.  Still, take it as a healthy reminder from someone who struggles with their call to the priesthood on LITERALLY a daily basis.  Deep breaths and a good night's sleep are your best friend.  Speak when you need others.  Listen closely.  You're loved.